Better being Strangers

It takes more than a few words
exchanged in sparse meetings,
It takes more than a few hours
spent in a dark, loud bar,
It takes more than a few rides
taken down unending roads
To turn a person inside out.
And with all that effort, I wonder
if it was worth it. Now I realize,
It was better being Strangers.
I now know, not knowing you
was the best I felt about Us.

If I didn't Care

I look at you from obscure corners
Your sight is what keeps me going
Those sly smiles, those carefree eyes
Those loaded remarks are my best mates
If I didn't care, i'd take them from you
I'd make them my own to love and to hate
If I didn't care I'd break my rules
To take you in the most intimate embrace
I'd should show you life as you've not known
I would show you life's pretty face.
If I dint care I'd take a lifetime
To know you bit by bit
But fate's not my baby, nor is luck
So we go our own ways to live, alone in a crowd
Alone in a world full of people we pretend to care.

Time

I was sewing
With my left knee
Over my right
A song played
Behind my eyes
And words fell on
The patterns stitched.
Time is so treacherous.
Decades later I sit
Lost in your youthful face
The first time you
Looked deep within..
Time has preserved you,
Time has raced me.
My wrinkled hands shake
Remembering carefree days.
Time has held you safe
In its eternal bosom.
I looked up at the clock
It's time. Time to let go
Of this pain and agony
Time to move to the next leg
Of another beautiful journey.

I Might be Wrong

I might be wrong
Days have become brighter
Not with sun but sunny smiles
That find their way on my face.

I might be wrong
Tears don't feel painful
As they travel down once familiar path
But they soothe the dry trails.

I might be wrong
But I find new reasons
Crazier than the last
To scale the ways where we had a past.

I might be wrong
My questions get deeper
And answers become more evasive
But it doesn't discourage me.

I might be wrong
But I feel alive again
And I will not stop this quest
Till I get what I seek.

Stood Waiting for

First you smiled
Later you stared
Then you moved close
And gently caressed
You softened my skin
With slow moist breath
And brushed my lips
With a feathery touch
You left me standing
In the black night rain
I stood there waiting for
A kiss that ne'er came.

Said and Done till Death

I am neither the first, nor the last
To try and hold your ambitious thoughts
Veiled behind an innocent mask,
Your lies, your motives, your plots
If only you knew what they say of you
In grey pulpits under the Knowledge tree
Trust me you wouldn’t smirk this day
Knowing the serpent is set your way
You would curse them down, bit by bit
Doomed to banality and disgrace
But till you reach that sanity
Let me hold you in your place
For I’m neither the first, nor the last
To care for you till separation overrules.
But till you reach any sanity
You need me to speak your head
And, when you reach that sanity
Well, you’d already be said and done till death.

The End.

A broken branch sways,
the only movement,
Everything else as still as a painting
My steps crush what remains.
A busy worm drills
the earth. I feel like saying,
"Stop you idiot, don't waste
the last bit of yourself"
There is nothing here except death.
I can smell it, It curls my skin
My hair stands, a chill runs down
under the cruel afternoon sun.
It dries my mouth before I open it.

It was all green, until the two-legged beasts came
They ripped apart my home, my family
And years later when I return
I realized this was no returning,
this was no coming back,
This was the End.

You should Know

I see your hesitant nods
I understand your doubts
I hear your second thoughts
Believe me, they are mine too.

Not until I met you
Not until we decided the "I do's"
Not until we showed our colours true
Did there come a purpose
To take down the odds
To challenge doubtful thoughts
To take the riskier shots
To decide to be with you

But You should know, pain never comes twice
After once, it becomes experience, then habit

A person hurts someone only once
And then, becomes a sadist

A person bears the pain only once
And then, becomes Me.

Like it, Hate it

Like it, Hate it
The truth won't change.
You might say religion,
Or mask it in Karma,
Or just call it sad,
That turn of events were.
Like Pontus Pilate
You will never ever
Wash your hand off,
Never Wash off the blood.
Worse, you will never
Be remembered in prayer.
Purgatory will turn on you.
Where will you go
When thousands grab you,
Where will you go
When riots burn you?
For all those who were cut
and burnt even in wombs,
You will answer how?
No Hindutva will save.
No rioter will survive.
Like it, Hate it.

I would Walk it till the End

Sometime last night
I woke, I saw you beside me
In an incomplete darkness
I saw the rising and setting,
The warmth and heat, the spell of a skipped hearbeat.

Your eyes only barely closed
Light dancing in the shadow
of your lashes - swift, untamed
Arms still curved in a hug
Where I had snuggled close, Where I had kissed your brows

The whispers of last words
from the night's conversations
Still linger somewhere – ethereal
In a twisted life I have had.
Smoldering a need so alien so new, a need to be with you.

How you knelt and held me,
How you opened your heart,
The flow of words hit me so hard.
The depth and sincerity curled my skin,
I knew, for all that's true I was in, I knew I had fallen in.

You should know how in the heart
of a soul lost, wounded and scarred
You kindled hope, perhaps undeserved
But, I wouldn't rest it just there, I reckoned
I would walk till wherever this led, I would walk it till the end.

One Evening, One Night

One Evening
Four words
New Beginning
Of Hopes
Of Desires
Of Conflicts

One Night
Few Confessions
Towards Termination
Of Dreams
Of Plans
Of Peace

Random Randomness

Sometimes I wonder
how anything
can be random?
At least for me,
even randomness
comes in a  pattern.
In those random
moments I remember
you. How you randomly
used to come
and smile.
In one of those
random  moments you
confessed attraction,
I confessed love
and you took my cue.
We randomly started
roaming down
the lanes and
you randomly asked
me to marry you.
I said yes – it
wasn't random then,
but now that I
look back and think
It seems the randomest.
Now I am at a random
point again where
down the n-th glass
of a random drink
I ask you to prove
your love for me.
How random, you
might feel. But
trust me it's not, I have
travelled this random road.

Why Do We Let Go?

Dedicated to a woman I read about, who committed suicide last week. May her soul rest in peace.

When everything goes wrong,

When there's nowhere to belong,

Why do we let go?

When number seem tall,

When comforts fall,

Why do we let go?

When love isn't returned,

When vile comments burn

Why do we let go?

When problems unfold,

When friends don't hold,

Why do we let go?

When tears don't spill

When fears instill

Why do we let go?

When pain is not pain

When efforts go in vain

Why do we let go?

When loss is Every Day

Bu God's still the way,

Why...Why do we let go?

What is it about This Night

What is it about this night that attracts me?
It's the same dark Indian sky - a battle-field
of grey and pink clouds, scattered stars.
A biker at my door step nodding in acknowledgement.
The next moment I am a pillion zooming past
dusty streets and honking cars - such chaos.

What is it about this night that calls me?
It's the same old destination - more trees
and lesser people. A highway as a leeway
to all perils of this hateful city.
This ride is a big U-turn and I'll be back
To the same cacophony, same city trash.

What is it about this night that strikes me?
It's the same me wearing the same old pair of jeans,
A jacket to meet the cold, kohl in my eyes.
Same oggling at the silent, cold night
Still searching for something eventful to happen
Till the cold chills me and I wish my haven.

Not until you reached for my numb hand on my knee
And placed it on your warm, alive chest, Not until
I felt the rhythmic thud within, did I realize
What is so special - It was feeling reality and acceptance -
Life is so much more than just me. It's in the wide
night sky that cuddles me, in every person with a heart
that beats, in every moment you allow yourself to get old
and live with experiences, in places, with you.

Let it Be for Tonight

This morning I was just me -
Detached from the past, estranged from time
I chased emptiness down the streets
Like a lost soul searching something divine
People walked past, people pushed by
I felt like a complete non-entity
Until you stoppped, loooked at me in the eye
And stole away the last bit of sanity

I sat next to you, the sun going down,
Enveloped in the shadowy gown.
The shadows growing longer,
Your eyes shining brighter,
The moonight reflected in them as clearly as in a silent pool.

You smile, you turn away, you laugh.
I can see you shaking with mirth
The straight line of your back bent forward
In your hands a spell that captured beauty, captured moments
And you went back to them, with you me - revelling in nature.

The wind shifting spikes of your hair
There is something magical the way your sad eyes move
They seek peace, they seek love, they seek finese
I stutter, I stumble, I might not be any of these.
But I know I would always understand. I would be there.
If not with you, somewhere, still understanding.

The stars are up now, my hope is bright
If not forever, let it be for tonight.

Dear Daddy, smile and say - Merry Christmas!

 

 

Dad, I won't be back this Christmas too

Don't wait for me, I'm not coming to you

Put up the star on big old tree again

Place the holy Infant, say my name.

Think I am with you, holding your hand

Waltzing to tunes of the Christian band

Gather the street kids, give them my love

Send them a Santa cake and a pair of gloves

Beat your best drum like we always did

Tap your foot as the merry kids sing

As you sit in the chapel at the first bell gong

Close your eyes, remember Mom's song

Let the tears fall, let them wash away

But for me dear Daddy, smile and say - Merry Christmas!

I lost a love, a friend somehow.

All I wanted was to be free

Of enmity and obligations

All I wanted was to be free

Of malice and self-negations

All I wanted was to be free

Of you and your desires

All I wanted was to be free

Of neglect and eternal fire

I wanted to be free of constant misuse

I wanted to bee free of physical abuse

All I wanted was to love

Every moment together

All I wanted was to love

Us being forever

All I wanted was to love

You with all I could

All I wanted was to love

All for which I stood

I wanted to love and be loved in turn

I wanted to love without intent.

But Maybe I thought to much

I still think a lot

I expected you to be

What you were not

I wanted to be

What I could not

And I still blame myself for being a tad too weak

I could have seen you are not what I seek

Guess it's too late to change things now

Only regret - I lost a love, a friend somehow.

A Blurred Glass

Just as I closed one door, another opened in the aisle

I stepped precariously first, hastily next

Touched open the door wide and peeped inside

It was beautiful and serene but empty

The soft click of the door closing amplified

All around me it was just me, my heartbeat and breathing

And a yearning to touch and experience things around me

Everything was electrified with a strange foreign energy –

Completely alien but painfully tempting

Eyes closed I sensed everything I could get at

Exhilarated, I could feel myself vibrating in sweat.

Something moved – I dashed towards it.

Nothingness again, but pulse wouldn’t rest

 A fever burning within, I rested my cheek

On the cool foggy glass – found solace in chaos

I saw him through the blurred glass

He looked at me square, unassuming face, difficult eyes

But I knew it was him I had felt and caressed

He came closer, I pressed further

Matching his hands on the glass, his face matching mine –

It was the forever moment of pause

We both celebrated the touch-less warmth.

Till they opened the door and dragged me out

I did not protest, I didn’t call out

I looked on – still behind the glass, reaching till last

And I knew he was real, I saw him through a blurred glass

Not knowing if I’ll find him, away from the blurred glass.

Summer Shower

Dried and tired I draw a pause for your return

Awaiting your seamlessly unpredictable pattern

Keeping me awake night and day in your wake

Till I see you turn to me shy and reluctant

Making this wait relentlessly aching

Till I wish away this pain of waiting

Dried and withering under your ability

Only to be resurrected with you drenching me

Embraced in your love shower, tuned by gurgling thunder

As a moan in the back of your endless throat

You keep me alive – to tease, not to ease

To enjoy my helpless devotion till your return

I ended this every time, you re-invented the fire

You re-invented it only to tell me you have a new plain to shower on…

You re-invented it only to tell me I Too can go for a stable stream.

As if I never wanted a stable shower of my own,

As if I ever needed a passing cloud to tell me so…

Till Resolution

Every morning before I realize, I get worldly wise
I find myself walking to the side of the bountiful spring
Fetched from dreams too recent - audience to memories.
Each day etched like scars deep - so real, yet out of my reach
Closed eyes – your voice ringing clear in my ears,
Froze – your face held close, could feel those tears.

Basked in the hue of the golden sun,
Ethereal – you hold your arms out open,
I walked into them, so-called unending covenant
Of an embrace filled in the eternity of a moment.

Period. Before the rude awakening – can’t be erased
By the stream my eyes blurred, salt – I taste
In the bitter moments – fruit of my hamartia.
Drawing patterns on wet sand with my forefinger
I wait for the moment to pass, to the resolution of my tragedy.
I stand up, take a deep breath, wipe my tears with muddy hands
And smile at your name hidden in the patterns I drew in the sand.