Dear Daddy, smile and say - Merry Christmas!

 

 

Dad, I won't be back this Christmas too

Don't wait for me, I'm not coming to you

Put up the star on big old tree again

Place the holy Infant, say my name.

Think I am with you, holding your hand

Waltzing to tunes of the Christian band

Gather the street kids, give them my love

Send them a Santa cake and a pair of gloves

Beat your best drum like we always did

Tap your foot as the merry kids sing

As you sit in the chapel at the first bell gong

Close your eyes, remember Mom's song

Let the tears fall, let them wash away

But for me dear Daddy, smile and say - Merry Christmas!

I lost a love, a friend somehow.

All I wanted was to be free

Of enmity and obligations

All I wanted was to be free

Of malice and self-negations

All I wanted was to be free

Of you and your desires

All I wanted was to be free

Of neglect and eternal fire

I wanted to be free of constant misuse

I wanted to bee free of physical abuse

All I wanted was to love

Every moment together

All I wanted was to love

Us being forever

All I wanted was to love

You with all I could

All I wanted was to love

All for which I stood

I wanted to love and be loved in turn

I wanted to love without intent.

But Maybe I thought to much

I still think a lot

I expected you to be

What you were not

I wanted to be

What I could not

And I still blame myself for being a tad too weak

I could have seen you are not what I seek

Guess it's too late to change things now

Only regret - I lost a love, a friend somehow.

A Blurred Glass

Just as I closed one door, another opened in the aisle

I stepped precariously first, hastily next

Touched open the door wide and peeped inside

It was beautiful and serene but empty

The soft click of the door closing amplified

All around me it was just me, my heartbeat and breathing

And a yearning to touch and experience things around me

Everything was electrified with a strange foreign energy –

Completely alien but painfully tempting

Eyes closed I sensed everything I could get at

Exhilarated, I could feel myself vibrating in sweat.

Something moved – I dashed towards it.

Nothingness again, but pulse wouldn’t rest

 A fever burning within, I rested my cheek

On the cool foggy glass – found solace in chaos

I saw him through the blurred glass

He looked at me square, unassuming face, difficult eyes

But I knew it was him I had felt and caressed

He came closer, I pressed further

Matching his hands on the glass, his face matching mine –

It was the forever moment of pause

We both celebrated the touch-less warmth.

Till they opened the door and dragged me out

I did not protest, I didn’t call out

I looked on – still behind the glass, reaching till last

And I knew he was real, I saw him through a blurred glass

Not knowing if I’ll find him, away from the blurred glass.

Summer Shower

Dried and tired I draw a pause for your return

Awaiting your seamlessly unpredictable pattern

Keeping me awake night and day in your wake

Till I see you turn to me shy and reluctant

Making this wait relentlessly aching

Till I wish away this pain of waiting

Dried and withering under your ability

Only to be resurrected with you drenching me

Embraced in your love shower, tuned by gurgling thunder

As a moan in the back of your endless throat

You keep me alive – to tease, not to ease

To enjoy my helpless devotion till your return

I ended this every time, you re-invented the fire

You re-invented it only to tell me you have a new plain to shower on…

You re-invented it only to tell me I Too can go for a stable stream.

As if I never wanted a stable shower of my own,

As if I ever needed a passing cloud to tell me so…

Till Resolution

Every morning before I realize, I get worldly wise
I find myself walking to the side of the bountiful spring
Fetched from dreams too recent - audience to memories.
Each day etched like scars deep - so real, yet out of my reach
Closed eyes – your voice ringing clear in my ears,
Froze – your face held close, could feel those tears.

Basked in the hue of the golden sun,
Ethereal – you hold your arms out open,
I walked into them, so-called unending covenant
Of an embrace filled in the eternity of a moment.

Period. Before the rude awakening – can’t be erased
By the stream my eyes blurred, salt – I taste
In the bitter moments – fruit of my hamartia.
Drawing patterns on wet sand with my forefinger
I wait for the moment to pass, to the resolution of my tragedy.
I stand up, take a deep breath, wipe my tears with muddy hands
And smile at your name hidden in the patterns I drew in the sand.

A failure with dreams

A born failure, borne with debt and duty,
When it came to be, it was a she,
And people say, she was too early.
All her life people said – suffer for your greed
They called her vain, loud, eyesore
She met too many who wanted much more
Before she could own, they walked out the door
Each time she wept, "You are the last" – she swore.

“No one else shall game me again”
Poor, so blinded with pain
She couldn’t figure if they were a lot,
Or just one heartless, one ruthless soul
That had rooted deep in her heart
And when he left, he tore her apart.
Silence, is all she has now – to sympathize, to mock
For nothing anyone says can rewind the clock
She is holding on, trying to stay afloat
Or she would had traded her soul long ago
Long ago to the king of death and fire
In return of days of a gone year, a wasteful year.

She couldn’t, sworn to the afterlife
Waiting for end to consume her pride
The day she will be finally crowned
She will look back, still love to the last
Bury all deep within, expel tears to past.

KYU NAHI

Kal jo kuchh bhi tha

Wo aaj fir kyu nahi?

Khule aasman k sarhad ko

paane bebas aashaaye meri

raund gayi raah par kahi....

jo saath de mera ab

wo aaj hai yaha kyu nahi?

                                                                Hawa bhi mujh par has rahi

                                                                Khele kaise ye waqt bhi

                                                                Le chale jo door is zindagi se

                                                                Wo aasra hai ki nahi?

                Aasu bhi kho gaye, dhul gaye

                Boondo se, seejh liye koi zindagi,

                Jo sham mujhko dhaank le

                Wo sahil naseeb kyu nahi?

                                                                Naam likh gaye wo pathar

                                                                Ki lakeer se, unko meri syaahi

                                                                Kam padi, jo na mit sake, wo

                                                                Shabd saral aaj kyu nahi?

                Kabse hum adig khade

                Aas lagaye aaj bhi

Jo chhod gaye is raah pe

Wo laut-te aaj kyu nahi?

                                                Anjaano ki bheed me

                                                Neend palko pe nahi

Mujhko hausla jo de,

Ishaare kho gaye kahi...

Thaam tanhayi ka haath

Hum chal rahe; der sahi,

Ab tak roothe kyu atal,

Ho mudke aate kyu nahi?

Sawan ke baadal ki or

Aankh utha toh le abhi,

Ek nishaan apna bhi dekh

Jise waqt ki imteha padi.

Khare laaye unko jo,

Wo kasar hai baaki kyu nahi?

Duur jaate unko dekh

Kyu aasuvo ki thi kami

Ek baar keh dete agar

Na hoti khushiyo ki bali.

Kaash ye saans na hoti, ya

Saath wo hote hamare,

Par kaisi ye mushkil ghadi?

Hai haal aisa kyu abhi?

Kal jo kuchh bhi tha

Wo aaj fir kyu nahi.......

PERPETUAL WAIT

It is a cold, cold December night

Quite past the decent hours

Been sitting in an emptying café

You are way past the stipulated time.

I still sit here in one manner, half waiting,

Half treating myself to rare freedom,

To involuntary closing of eyes,

Relishing the caress of tickling, tempting,

Consuming cold breeze on my face

From West perhaps…

Snap! I get back. I see

Random questioning eyes scanning me,

No coffee in hand, no company.

I wait not for meeting you, I wait,

I wait till this saturation prevails

And gives way to an endless abyss.

Do I want that? Or is this better?

This waiting, this freedom to anticipate,

No teetering between Love and Hate…

Having a sure seat, an assured ally of loneliness…

You come, you leave, I am still the same,

Waiting in some place, a dark cold night.

You are periodical, this night for me is forever,

Let me hold it dearest, to the place you desert.

When you are gone for good, when I am with myself,

I shall waltz my way into this inky darkness

To be the mistress of all that I love, all those are mine.

I shall raise a toast to me, to you my beloved, and this night divine…

I said I shall, I would have, but…

How troubling these waters I tread!

I wonder which wrong turn I took and where?

Now I have reached a dead end that is you.

Desperate I want to flee. I know I must go.

But this umbilicus tied to your heart cold

I fear to sever, the mess it would make.

Should I paint my hands in my own blood?

Or would you do the honor with mortal hurt?

All in vain, I know, my life an un-writable slate.

In perpetual anxiety, till date I wait.

Now I even doubt the purpose of this ticking

Is it taking me somewhere? Or just an in-thing?

Ah…there you come now, waving in a non-intense.

Again, it’s me who is late, off-time. An inconvenience.