THE WAR WITHIN THE PSYCHE

the war within one's psyche might go something like this-

I have a feeling that every emotion is very productive, especially if you are an artist. An artist can not only convey the feelings, but also make others feel it; can make others cry, smile, laugh, calm, enchant…can change a person, for the time being, and also forever. Art is emotion replicated, emotion produced and reproduced, has the capacity to generate new emotions that may be completely unrelated to the source emotion at the superficial level…

How then, can the emotion of rage, anger, frustration affect Art? Derogatory is the word; destructive. Feelings like rage and anger can never produce anything other than chaos – within and without the person.

When I started writing this piece, I was in blind rage, a feeling of destruction, a feeling to destruct something, and someone- a feeling so mad that it overshadowed the numbing sadness and grief all emanating from the same source- from me. Now that I have written a few words, I find the steam cooling off, but to what good? There is still the chilling grief waiting for me. I do not want to face it. I do not have the courage to face it alone but I have no sympathizer. I cannot expect anyone to pacify the drilling inside my psyche.

I have achieved what I wanted. I am no longer fuming. The agitation has now precipitated around my eyes. A sea rages below my scared eyelids that threaten to overflow its limit. But I cannot! I must be strong. Suppress it, kill it….there is no place for weakness in this world, if I have to be successful, I must sacrifice my tears, I must let go, I must learn from my experiences. But I don’t know, I really don’t know how long I can hold my wits together.

It is difficult to live life in two ways- to die within everyday and yet to live for this world, showing what you are not, what you can perhaps never be from the inside. Some say, a superficial damage can be repaired, but not the one that is corroded from within. I am scared. Earlier I had my comfort in prayers, now I have forsaken even that, and I am scared…